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Will I Ever Really Know Why My Husband Cheated On Me

March 10, 2012 by marriage

Question:

I just found out about my husband’s affair and now he’s trying to tell me that he’s not sure how or why it happened. He’s telling me that it might have happened because he felt undervalued in our relationship and that he wanted to add some excitement into his life. And he keeps implying that he was in a tough spot in his life. He’s also telling me that since he doesn’t really understand why the affair happened that it’s impossible and unrealistic for him to come up with a list of reasons why he cheated to begin with. And furthermore to this, he says that my constantly bringing this up with him is frustrating him and making him feel very discouraged. He wants me to just let it go instead of dwelling on questions and answers that we might never have. Should I just drop it? Do I really need to know why he cheated?

Answer:

It’s completely normal for wives to want to know why their husband had an affair. However, sometimes no matter how many times their husband goes over the details, they still don’t understand it. And on the same note for your husband, he might be reluctant to explain the affair because he himself might not totally understand why or how it happened and there is going to be times during your talks where he wants you to just let it go. I know why you’re finding it difficult to understand something that might not have an acceptable answer and why you’re also considering if you should just quit and deal with it.

These are really tough questions to answer but I will talk about my personal opinion with you below:

Why You Need To Understand The Factors That Contributed To His Affair:

I honestly believe that it’s possible that your husband is telling you the truth when it comes to why he cheated on you, even if he doesn’t fully understand it. One of the contributing factors to men and their affairs is that they could simply be running away from their ‘perceived’ problems. So the very fact that he’s avoiding them so aggressively could be a contributing factor to him not being able to give you a list of those same problems right now.

Now is this a good reason to drop it? I don’t think so. Even though he may not fully aware of why he cheated, this doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve an explanation or to do your best to get one. And I can give you some standard explanations that men give for being unfaithful or having an affair. Most will explain to you that whilst they didn’t intend to cheat or have an affair, they found themselves engaging with someone else because they got caught up in feeling appreciated, exploring something new, or enhancing the excitement in their life. This in no way implies that you were responsible for his actions. It could mean that, for whatever reason, they weren’t reaching out to you at the time and someone else was in the right place at precisely the right time.

Often times, men have affairs when they feel like they’re lacking something or when they feel like they’re not measuring up. So when someone else pays attention to them and makes them feel valued in some way this makes them feel good and it validates their feelings. Additionally, men that cheat are reacting to a personal loss of some sort. Maybe they’ve lost a dear family member or friend or maybe they’ve battled a severe illness. Regardless, this can often be a ‘life is too short’ wakeup call to them and so they act on their impulses.

Now these particular reasons might not be applicable in your situation. I’m merely trying to give you a few ideas to brainstorm over that you can look into in the future. The ultimate purpose for you here is to uncover, comprehend and then handle any and all issues that may have lead to the affair. Because if there are any doubts going forward from here, they will bring any progress you’ve made to a screeching hault and destroy your marriage much faster than everything else. Dealing with an affair is hard enough, and so its essential that you find out as much as you can to make certain that you’re not walking around on eggshells worrying that you’re going to make the same mistakes again or that your husband is going to go out and cheat on you just as before.

You May Understand Why It Happened, But You Might Never Understand His Motives And Thought Process

At this juncture,, it’s critical that you affair proof your marriage and know what lead up to his affair. However I also believe it’s unrealistic and extremely difficult to put yourself in your husband’s shoes and completely understand what he did and why he did it. And the main reason you can’t do this is because you were the one directly affected by his actions. And so it’s almost impossible for you to be an unbiased observer in the circumstance. Furthermore, in many cases as victims, we come from a place where we’re thinking things like: “I don’t care how horrible things were in my marriage, I would have never cheated.” It’s just human nature and there is nothing wrong with this. Lastly, there are two sides to every coin. Even though your husband saw the marriage through one lens, it’s safe to say that you see it through another.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of looking deep to find out why your husband cheated and then take care of those things that contributed to the affair, I also know that it’s just about impossible to understand every last angle of someone else’s thought process or behavior. So, after you’ve done your best to understand and then resolve the issues, try not to look back too often into the past because it could do more damage while trying to move your marriage forward after the affair.


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